I'm Still Here

 I've made it 4 whole days so far. Although I am feeling hopeful, there is still a level of uncertainty that lingers over my head. Did I make the right decision? How can I be so sure? Will there be an "a ha" moment? Will it come sneakily in the night when I'm in a deep sleep. Or will it hit me like a car crash? Losing control of my life was and remains my biggest fear. I may not be "losing" control, but rather letting go of control.

Having this grip was the only thing I could keep consistent in my life. I could manage outcomes of situations. I could prepare myself mentally for disaster. There's this constant state of fear. Most would never know. Never know how afraid I am at failing. How can we measure success? It is different for everyone. 

Money. Money was and still is my determination of ones success. How well off am I? How secure am I financially? Could I survive an economic collapse? Could I make it on my own? Right now, that answer is no. More like fuck no. I need a hard rewire. Reprogram the false narrative I thought would make me happy.

I feel fragile. Like I'm made of porcelain. One drop away from shattering completely. Handle with care is written in invisible ink all over me.

I need to find a new purpose. I need a rebirth. Shed the old me. Appreciate her for what she has been through and helping me get here. But leaving her in the past. 

I thought the hard part was quitting my job. But that wasn't it at all. It's learning how to do life again. It is teaching myself how to go after what brings me peace. Chasing dreams. Reaching for passions I had buried deep.

That little girl is filled with aches and pains. Imprints of the damage over the years. Damage from others, damage from herself. Today and every day forward, I want to strive to make her proud. This isn't the life she would write about in her journals. But I think above everything, she just wants to find her place in this world and smile every night when she closes her eyes.

Until tomorrow comes. I'll take a deep breath and let the wind carry me.

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